You've got to come home soon because Mom's gone, like, crazy with the vacuum cleaner and you know how that bothers me. She is purposely taking away all the smells I worked so hard to put all over the house. But don't worry, Dad, I can put the house back to normal in no time at all.
If Mom tells you that I chewed her laptop cord, that is a flat out lie; Lynn did that, you know how she is. And I never, ever would eat the cat's food because, for one thing, it's gross and only sissy dogs eat cat food. Even if it does smell...well...anyway, I didn't eat it.
Also, I clearly never smell that yummy drink and I miss it. (I chewed on the pink cup but it wasn't the same.)
I protect Mom day and night like you asked me too (only sometimes she doesn't seem to enjoy when I squash my butt right up into her face at night, even though this leaves my face free to bite anything coming toward us and her free to check up on my digestive well being...I just don't understand...) and I especially keep my eye on that mailman; I see no need for him to always stop right at the edge of the front lawn every day, there's no need for that.
A scrawny mutt said something very rude to me the other day, over the fence, but I put him right in his place. There is always something to say to the neighbor dogs, mostly because they just never learn, but I won't give up until they understand who is top dog out there.
That sister I got? She's alright I guess but it is not fair when she claims under the bed and clearly the entire bed is mine. She's just lucky that I'm too big to fit under there or I would show her a thing or two.
She is alright to have around on a boring day, to practise wrestling with and stuff. But she's really fanatic about Mom and honestly, sometimes I can't understand a word she says.
Anyway, gotta run, I hear something interesting upstairs...come home soon!
Love and kisses,
Lord and Master
Mate of the Mommy head,
I salute you. The household is watched over day and night. The Mommy head is secure. My assistant, though bumbling and often in the way, does have a good heart. She has yet to learn her place, but those negotiations are ongoing.
Until you return, may all your holes be deep and secret, your scent trails clear and compelling and your teeth unyielding.